Humor

Jack was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.  At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful Bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.  When Walt was finished, Mary asked 'How much for that faucet?'   Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'  'My goodness that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed.   Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.  From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'   ****" No,  but I will for the faucet."****  ... and this is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.  One student  said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."  The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki  Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."  Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.  Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."  The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."  The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."  The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."  So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"  The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

The  IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to  the IRS office.  The IRS auditor was not  surprised when Grandpa showed up with his  attorney.   The auditor said, 'Well, sir,  you have an extravagant lifestyle and no  full-time employment, Which you explain by  saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure  the IRS finds that believable.'  I'm a  great gambler, and I can prove it,' says  Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The  auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go  ahead.'    Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a  thousand dollars that I can bite my own  eye.'    The auditor thinks a moment and  says, 'It's a bet.'   Grandpa removes his  glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw  drops.   Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you  two thousand dollars that I can bite my other  eye.'  Now the auditor can tell Grandpa  isn't blind, so he takes the bet.   Grandpa  removes his dentures and bites his good  eye.   The stunned auditor now realizes he  has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's  attorney as a witness. He starts to get  nervous.   'Want to go double or nothing?'  Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars  that I can stand on one side of your desk, and  pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and  never get a drop anywhere in  between..'   The auditor, twice burned, is  cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides  there's no way this old guy could possibly  manage that stunt, so he agrees  again.    Grandpa stands beside the desk and  unzips his pants, but although he strains  mightily, he can't make the stream reach the  wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much  urinates all over the auditor's desk.  The  auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has  just turned a major loss into a huge  win.  But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.   'Are you  okay?' the auditor asks.   'Not really,'  says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa  told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet  me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could  come in here and piss all over your desk and  that you'd be happy about it!'

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a  neighboring ranch and knocked at the door.  A young boy, about 9, opened the door.  "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.  "No sir, he isn't," the boy replied.  "He went into town."  "Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"  "No sir, she's not here either.  She went into town with Dad."  "How about your brother, Howard?  Is he here?"  "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."  The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the  other and mumbling to himself.  "Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely.  "I know  where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one.  Or maybe I could  take a message for Dad."  "Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your  Dad.  It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie,  pregnant."  The boy considered for a moment.  "You would have to talk to Pa about  that," he finally conceded.  "If it helps you any, I know that Pa  charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know  how much he gets for Howard." 

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. "It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!" Now, Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth. "You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low down coyote. The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'' "Stay back, he whispered to all us kids!" "He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of the coop." "As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, had done woke up and comes sneaking' up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Zeke stuck his cold nose into Daddy" "Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this morning.'

Definition of  Liquidity - when you look at your retirement funds and wet your pants!

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It  almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck,  and then began moving down past the small of her  back. He  then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly  worked his hand down over  her  breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He  then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner  arm, caressed past the  side  of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh,  stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.  He  continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.  As  she had become quite aroused by this caressing,  she asked in a loving voice. 'That was  wonderful. Why did you stop?'  He  said, 'I found the remote'.  THEN THE FIGHT STARTED

Two  young Swedish men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.  Ole says to the Sven 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'  Sven replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'  Ole says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'  Sven smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea!  Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'  Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'  Ole replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'

A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.  " How much do you want for the mower? " asked the preacher.  " I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle, " said the little boy.  After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, " Will you take my bike in trade for it? "   The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, " Mister, you've got yourself a deal. " The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.  The preacher called the little boy over and said, " I can't get this mower to start. "  The little boy said, " That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started. "  The preacher said, " I can't cuss. I'm a preacher and it is something we can't do. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss. "  The little boy looked at him happily and said, " You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya. "

Fred comes home from his usual Saturday golf game.  “What a terrible day,” he tells his wife.  “Harry dropped dead on the tenth tee.”  “Oh, that’s awful!” She says.  “You’re not kidding,” says Fred.  “For the whole back nine, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry…”

“What’s the quickest way from Memorial Stadium to our NEIADA Lincoln office?”  “Are you walking or driving?”  “I’m driving.”  “That’s definitely the quickest way.”

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine and liquor section.  One asked the other if she would like a beer.  The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.  The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up the six-pack and took it to the cashier.  The cashier had a surprised look!  So the nun said, "This is for washing our hair."  "Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. "The curlers are on me."

Benny died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sarah turned to her oldest and dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure Benny would be pleased,' she said.  'I'm sure you're right,' replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. 'How much did this really cost?'  'All of it,' said Sarah. 'Forty thousand.'   'No!' Jody exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?'  Sarah answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.'  Jody computed quickly. '$34,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?'  'Four and a half carats.'

A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and sputter and the engine slowly died, leaving him sitting by the road in total silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent. As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised.  Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."   The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.  There were two horses standing in the field alongside and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump, tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."  Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared into life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.  When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Large whiskey, please!" he said.  A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What s wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!"  "It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.  The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"  The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes it was! Am I crazy?"  "No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher ........ because the black horse don't know squat about cars.

The Maid asked for a raise.  The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"  Maria: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."  Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"  Maria: "The Master said so."  Madam: "Oh."  Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."  Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"  Maria: "The Master did."  Madam: "Oh."  Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."  Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?"  Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."  SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.  'Oh,' said Ole, 'I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet.'  'How come?' asked Lars.'Vell,' Ole answered, 'because vith a clarinet she can't sing.'

Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel.  'Have you eaten your banana yet?' Ole asked excitedly.  'No,' replied Lars.  'Vell, don't touch it den,' Ole exclaimed. 'I yust took vun bite and vent  blind!'

A man goes surgeon to have a tooth pulled.  The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.  'No way!!  No needles!!  I hate needles,' the patient said.  The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects.  'I can't do the gas thing.  The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!!'  The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.   'No objection', says the patient, 'I'm fine with pills'.  The dentist then returns and says, 'here's a Viagra tablet'.  The patient says, 'Wow!  I didn't know Viagra worked as a painkiller!'  'It doesn't', said the dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!!!

On a hot summer day, a redneck came into town with his dog.  He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.  About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree.  The redneck said that it was his.  The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."  The redneck replies, "No way dog's in heat; she's cool kawse I got 'er tied under the shade tree."  The policeman says, "No! You don't understand your dog needs to be bred."  "No way," the redneck says, "dog don't need bread, she ain't hongry, kawse I fed 'er beef jerky this morning."  Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "No, you don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex."  The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says, "Go 'head.  I always wanted a police dog!"

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:  Before marriage and after marriage.

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.  "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience  in picking lemons?"   "Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied.?  "I've been divorced three times."

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.  The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will  have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."  The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.  Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"  The Lord replies, "A minute."  Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"  The Lord replies, "A penny."   Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"  The Lord replies, "In a minute."

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.  Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps w ith anybody who asks her!  I'm going crazy.  What do you think I should do?"  "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.  Now,  tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

Ole & Sven are on vacation in Texas and walk by a store window with the sign, "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 a pair."  Ole says to his pal, "Sven, look at dat! Ve could buy a whole bunch of dese clothes, take 'em back to Iowa, sell 'em to all da dumbYermans up dere, and make a fortune!"  Ole continues, "Now ven ve go in dere, don't you say a vurd, okay?  Yust let me do the talkin''cause if dey hear your accent, they might tink ve're ignorant Norvegians, and dey von't vanna sell dem clothes to us.  Now, I'll talk like I'm a Texan, so dey von't know"  Ole and Sven go in and Ole says with his best fake Texas accent, "Howdy, y'all. Ah'll take 50 of them there suits at five dollahs each, 100 of them there shirts at two dollahs each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at two-fifty each. So, Ah'll just back up mah pickup and......"  The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll are a coupla Norwegians from Minnesota, ain't you?"  "Vell . . yah," sas a surprised Ole "How'd you know dat?"  The owner replies, "Cause this here's a dry-cleaners."

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:  Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."  Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"  Man: "What sins?"   Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"  Man: "I'm Jewish."  ; Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"   Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody."

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eye s fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute."  The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."  She asked, "What happened to beautiful?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."   The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."   The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."  The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"   The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.  Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.  Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."  Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.  About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?", asked the banker.  Tom proudly said, "Good - She's pregnant."  The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"  Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."  Don't ever underestimate old Geezers.

Two guys are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?" The second hunter says"  I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom." The first hunter says " There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst. While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?" The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped head first into this hole here!" And  the old farmer said " Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission! "

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came  to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.  Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, Utah scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the Utah newspapers read: " Utah archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."  One week later, "The Rock Springs Rocket", a local newspaper in Wyoming reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in sagebrush fields near Superior, Ole Johnson, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Wyoming had already gone wireless.

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.  Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."  "No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?"  "You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"  No, no," the copilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah!   That Japanese, not Chinese."  "Japanese, Chines, Vietnamese.. doesn't matter, you're all alike!"  There's a few minutes of silence.  "No rike Jews!" the copilot suddenly announces.  "Why not?" asks the captain.  "Jews sink Titanic," the copilot responds.  "Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!"  "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all same!"

Mildred, the church gossip, self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members didn't approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.  She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.  Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing and walked away.  Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home . . . and left it there all night. You gotta love people like Henry.

Murphy came home plastered for the third night in a row.  His wife dragged him to the window, pointing to the blazing lights of the big distillery in the distance.  "See how big it is?" she said.  "They can always make it faster than you can drink it."  "Maybe so," said Murphy, "But I've got 'em working nights!"

After his exam the doctor said to his patient, "David, you appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"  "In fact, I do," said David.  "After I have sex with my wife I'm usually real hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly."  After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Joyce, everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" Joyce replied that she had no questions or concerns.  The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern.  He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you have any idea why that might be?"  "Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January."

A realty salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.  "That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his boss.  "Should I give him his money back?"  "Money back?" roared the boss.  "What kind of salesman are you?  For pet sakes, get out there and sell him a houseboat!"

My mother was away all weekend at a business conference.  During a break, she decide to call home collect.  My six-year old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say.  "We have a Marcia on the line.  Will you accept the charges?"  Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, Dad! They've got Mom! and they want money!"

A rancher asked his veterinarian for some free advice.  "I have a horse that walks normally some of the time, but then he limps badly the rest of the time.  What shall I do?"  The Vet replied, "The next time he walks normally, sell him."

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.  She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her Straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now. Tell HIM you have a headache."

A couple were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay , Jamaica . Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.  People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple".  The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.  The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona , and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse.  We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off.  My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."  "We proceeded a little further her and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."  "We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.  I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that Are you friggin crazy!?  She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."  "And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after."

A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.  "Not yet," said the little boy.  His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.  Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken.  When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow.  When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.  He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.  "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.  "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.  I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.  I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."  Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.  The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."  " Mrs. Ward, please."  "Speaking."  "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."  "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.  "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."  "That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Ward.  "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."  "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"  "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation, and Ed fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.  "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."  Dorothy responded, "If we're being honest with each other, here goes. I'm a hooker."  "I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment.  Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight and your elbow locked when you tee off."

There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question "how much is 2+2?"  The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced, "It lies between 3.98 and 4.02".  The mathematician said, "In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof."  The physicist declared, "It's in the magnitude of 1x101."  The logician paused for a long while and then said, "This problem is solvable."  The social worker said, "I don't know the answer, but I a glad that we discussed this important question.  The attorney stated, "In the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4."  The trader asked, "Are you buying or selling?"  The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "What would you like it to be?"

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled.  The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.  "No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said.  The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. "I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"  The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.  "No objection," the patient says, "I am fine with pills."   The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."  The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"  "It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.  The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.  "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.  "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.  "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.  "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.  The man looked down at himself and said,... "Those little bastards."

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.  "I'm 90 years old," he says.  "90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"  "Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"

Father O'Malley answers the phone "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"  "It is"  "This is the IRS. Can you help us?"  "I can"  "Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"  "I do"  "Is he a member of your congregation?"  "He is"  "Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"  "He will".

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"  Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."  Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"  Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!  Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.  Bubba gets in line.  When it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what you want me to pray about?"  Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."  So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while.  After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?"  Bubba says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until next Wednesday in Baton Rouge."

A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.  It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.  The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water.  He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds. He was jubilant ... then he remembered his wife.  Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.  The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!"  "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver forever!"  The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.  The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. She's dead. What'd you catch?"

Ole was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.  "Twenty dollars," she whispers.  He'd never been with a hooker before, so he decides to try it, it's only twenty bucks.  So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.  "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.  "I'm making love to my vife! ," Ole answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry,"  says the cop, "I didn't know."  "Vell," Ole says, "neider did I, til you shined dat dam light in her face!!"

Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, then promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end! Amen

"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage."  The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"  The guy, (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something, if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?  Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?  Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?  Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"  The clerk says, "Well, no!"  "If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"  "Well, I probably wouldn't!"  With deep self- righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I ask for Polish sausage?"  The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"  The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"  The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"  The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."  The doctor couldn't believe it. So, he asked, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"  The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"  The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer.. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."  The doctor said, "At 106-years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"

Two kids are arguing over whose dad is the wimpiest. The first one says, "My dad is so scared during lightning storms that he hides under the bed."  The second kid says, "That's nothing.... my dad is so scared when my mom works night shift that he sleeps with the lady next door!"

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co- worker is wearing an earring.  This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."  The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."  "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.   His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing  one?"  "Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

On the first day of school , the children brought gifts for their teacher.  The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.  The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.  Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box, The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.  "Is it wine?" she guessed.  "No," the boy replied.  She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?"  She tasted yet another drop and asked, " Scotch?"  "No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy."

My wife and I are watching  "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we are in bed.  I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"  "No." She answered.  I then said, "Is that your final answer?"  Yes." She replied.  Then I said, " I'd like to phone a friend."  That's the last thing I remember.

A woman was sitting at a bar, enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends, when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered.  He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.  The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her.  Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 -- on one condition." Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said . . . "Clean my house."

With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the Temple's Marriage Marathon, the Rabbi asked the husband, Morris, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.  The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."  The Rabbi inquired "Trips to where?"  "For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."  The Rabbi then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Morris Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"  "I'm going to go back and get her."

A Florida couple, Moe and Flo, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" Moe says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says goodbye. The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves. Finally, after five or six weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" Moe says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married, and we can't go to her house I'm married, and we can't go to my house.  The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

Ole and Lena vas dryfing down da road ven dey vent past Sven's place.  Out front vas a 4x8 sheet uff plyvood wit a sign vat said "boat for sale" A little farther on Lena sez "I didn't know Sven had a boat"   Ole says "he ain't got no boat.  He ain't neffer had vun".  Lena sez" Vell vat about dat sign?  Do you tink Sven iss maybe gittin goofy?"  Ole sez, "Vee bedder go back and sheck"   Ven dey drive oop, Sven iss standing in da yard.  Ole says, " Sven iss you feeling alright?"   "Ya sure but I neffer felt better" sez Sven.  "Vell vat about dat sign dere--You ain't got no boat," says Ole.  "Vell," sez Sven "youse see dat Yon Deere tractor offer dere"  "Ya" sez Ole.  "And youse sees dat cultiwaiter dere behind it?"   "Ya" sez Ole.  "Vell, dere boat for sale!

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.  The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention,  Salutes and says: "Nice pigs, sir."  The President replies "These are not pigs these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."  The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes and says,  "Excellent trade, sir."

A Doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he told his assistant "Ya Ole, I am going hunting tomorrow and we don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of our patients".  "Yes, sir..." answers Ole.  The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: "So Ole, how was your day?"  Ole tells him he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so I gave him TYLENOL."  "Bravo! Ya, Ole, and the second one?" says the doctor.  "The second one had stomach burning, and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Ole.  "Bravo, bravo Ole! You're good at this and what; about the third one?" asks the doctor.  "Sir, I was sitting here, and suddenly the door opens, and a woman enters like a flame. She undresses herself, taking off her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spread her legs and shouts: HELP ME!  For five years I have not seen any man!!"  And what did you do Ole?" asks the doctor.  "I put eye drops in her eyes."

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.   While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.   Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.   The wife shouted,  "Don't do it!   This man has been very generous!  I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Hummer I bought for you.   He paid for our new cabin cruiser.   He paid for your New York Giant's season tickets.   He paid for our house at the lake.   He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"   Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.   He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"   The cabby replied; "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold.

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.  "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread,which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.  As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.  After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, starring at the men standing below.  She notices an elderly man standing in the crowd, staring up at her.Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?  "No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin'."

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."  The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."  He never heard the shot....

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.  Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.  Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.  "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.  "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say, I would like it infrequently."  The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then, looking over his glasses, he casually asked, "Is that one word or two?"

A man owned a small independent used car dealership in Nebraska. The Nebraska Wage & Hour Dept. claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.  "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,"  demanded the agent.  "Well," replied the dealer, "There's my salesman who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $2000 a month plus commission and free medical insurance.  The lot boy has been here for 18 months, and I pay him $500 per week plus furnishing him the equipment and supplies.  Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.  He makes about $10 per week, pays his own medical insurance,  and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."  "That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.  "That would be me," replied the dealer.

Mildred, 93, was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.  Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.  Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.  The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."  Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

A rancher needs to buy a bull to service his cows but has to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and wont even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased and tells the banker, "The bull serviced all my cows twice, broke through the fence, and serviced all my neighbor's cows three times."  "Wow," says the banker, "What did the vet do to that bull?"  "Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.  "What kind of pills?" asked the banker.  "I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like chocolate."

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.  As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.  He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.  "Were they trying to steal it?" he asked.   "Heavens no!" they replied, "we bought it."  "Then why don't you drive it away?"  "We can't drive"  came their reply.  "Then why did you buy it?"  "We were told if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed, so we're just waiting."

One evening Ole and Sven are sitting in the bar getting drunk. Ole turns to Sven and asks, "Ven do you suppose dose girls are gonna make out vit us?"  Swen says, "Donno, but I'm drunk enuf to go ask em!"  So off they go to the apartment where Ole knocks on the door. Lena answers and says, "Vell, Ole and Sven, come on in!"  Ole no more than gets in the door when he says, "Ve yust come to find out ven you girls are gonna make out vit us."  Lena is really upset by this and throws them both out, slamming the door on them. Ole is persistent and knocks on the door again.  Lena isn't stupid, she knows it's Ole and says, "Ole if you are gonna be so forward, you'll have to talk through the keyhole."  So Ole bends to the keyhole and asks, "Ven you girls gonna make out vit us?"  Lena is really upset now.  She drops her pants, backs up to the keyhole, and breaks wind.  As Ole is backing up and shaking his head, Sven asks, "Vell Ole, vat did she say?"  Ole says, "Vell, I tink she said FFFFfffffrrriiddaay, but her breath is so bad I'm not askin' again."

Maxine took her car to her mechanic.  She told him "Every time I take any of my friends out in my car,  after a while there is this terrible smell!!.  It  never happens when I am on my own".  This quite intrigued the mechanic so he said,  "OK, lets go for a spin and see what the problem is".  Off they  went.  She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 70 MPH, swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the  street, narrowly missed three pedestrians in the pedestrian crossings, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic duty.  They returned to the shop and she said, "There it is now, there's that terrible smell.  Can you smell it?"   "Smell it?  Lady, I'm sittin' in it!!

An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."  "Withouta numbers?" the Italian says, "Dat is easy." And he proceeds to draw Three trees "What's this?" the boss asks.  "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Italian.  "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."  The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."  The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"  "Each of Da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."  The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."  The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."  The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"  The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred.. So, when I start?"

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.  Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"  Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."  "Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.  "Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station.  My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food.  She broughta da vino, soma nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip.  Everyting wasa Okey Dokey till we getta hungry and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore comea by, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car.'  "So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to a dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino!  Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.'  "So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.' "We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.  Then my beautiful Virginia anda! me , we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed.  We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting ata da top of his a voice...'Nofolka Virginia!  Nofolka Virginia!'  "Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus!!

Ole and Sven were having a holiday at the beach in Australia,but they couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So they asked the local lifeguard for some advice.  "Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard. "You're wearing those old, baggy Minnesota-style swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya. . . you'll have all the babes ya want!"  The following day, they hit the beach with their spanking new tight Speedos and their fist-sized potatoes. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as they walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing...looking sick!  So they went back to the lifeguard again and Sven asked him "Vat's wrong now? We still aren't picking up babes."  "JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard. "The potato goes in front!"

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"  "Of course. What may I do for you?"   "Well, I bought an expensive hair dryer that is well over customs' limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.   Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me?   Under your robes, perhaps?" "I would love to help you, Dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."  "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."  When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.  The Inspector asked,  "Father, do you have anything to declare?"  "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."  The Inspector thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"  "I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."   Roaring with laughter, the Inspector said,   "Go ahead, Father." "Next!"

A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counselor. The counselor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant. "So," said the counselor, "you know the consequences and you want to part.  Remember this.  You must divide your property equally."  The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?"  "Yes," said the counselor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000."  "What about my furniture? I paid for that."  "Same thing," answered the counselor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."  There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What about our three children?"   That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came up with a Solomonic answer. "Go back and live together until your fourth child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two."  The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I depended on him, I wouldn't have the three I got."

An old pastor was dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his Lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.  As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old pastor would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.  Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"  The old pastor mustered up some strength, then said weakly,   "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together.  Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.   "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present."  "Not to worry," said the dad... "The important thing is that we're all here together today."  Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom still look great, Dad.  I just flew in from L A. and didn't have time to get you a present...Sorry."  "It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."  Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary!  I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."  Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."  After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.  You see, we were very poor.  Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college.  All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never found the time to get married."  The three kids gasped and said, "You mean we're bastards?"  "Yep," said the dad, "and cheap ones too!"

Rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas and are forced to stop at a farmer's house. The farmer gladly accommodates them, but tells them that there are only two extra beds, so one person will have to sleep in the barn.  The Hindu says, "I'm humble, I will sleep in the barn." So, he goes out to the barn.  In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu. He says "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow."  So, the Rabbi says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn."  A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the Rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig, and there is a pig in the barn.   So, the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn.  A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. It's the pig and the cow...

Jerry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble.  Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!"   "Just put yourself in my hands for 1 year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me 3 times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."  "How much do you charge?"  "$80 per visit," replied the doctor.  "I'll sleep on it," said Jerry.  Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street.  "Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.  "Well 80 bucks a visit 3 times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!  A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"  "Is that so!  And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"  "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!  Ain't nobody under there now!!!"

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."  After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.   Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.!   She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"   Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"

Two guys out fishing and sipping beer while discussing football and NASCAR; all of a sudden guy #1 says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife.   She hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."   Guy #2 sips his beer and says, "You'd better think it over. Women like that are hard to find.

A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.  After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"  The Rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."  The Priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"  To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."  The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.  A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"  The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith"  The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?  The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."  The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking for about five minutes.  Finally, the Rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

All of his life George from Caribou, ME, had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.  So when George's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. George stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.  Furious and confused, George went to see his grandmother.  "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"  Granny looked into George's eyes and said, "Because, you dummy, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July."

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is not too experienced either. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.  "My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want".  "What chou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and hoping to impress his virgin bride.  A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try somethin I have heard about... numbaa 69".   More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries...  "You want... Chicken wiff broccori?"

An attractive woman from New York was driving  through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.  An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.  She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.  The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e e-e-ha-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.  When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye e-e-e ha-a-a-a!" and rode off.  "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?"  asked the service station attendant.  "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put  my arms around his  waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered.  Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;   The next day I stopped smoking.   Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you;  The next day I stopped eating red meat.  Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;  The next day I stopped drinking.  Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you;  This morning I stopped reading.

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.  "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"  Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."  "The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."  "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."  The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."  The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.  Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"  "1955, ma'am."  "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!  I mean, no sex since 1955!  She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.  Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"  The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

Bubba and Ray (Tennessee mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.  A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.   "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."  The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid  the pole down.  Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet! , six inches," and walked away.  Ray shook his head and laughed.  "Ain't that just like a blonde!  We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

A  guy  is  81 years old and loves to fish.  He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."  He looked around and couldn't see any one.  He thought he was dreaming when he  heard  the  voice  say again, "Pick me up."  He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The  frog said,  "Yes, I'm talking to you.  Pick me up.  Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.  I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."  The  man  looked  at  the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then  the  frog said, "What, are you nuts?  Didn't you hear what I said?  I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."  He  opened  his  pocket,  looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton is first placed against the wall and just before the order to shoot him is given, he yells, "Earthquake!"   The firing squad falls into a panic and Bill jumps over the wall and escapes in the confusion.  Al Gore is the second one placed against the wall.   The squad is reassembled and Al ponders what his old boss has done. Before the order to shoot is given, Al yells, "Tornado!"  Again the squad fall apart and Al slips over the wall. The last person, George W. Bush, is placed against the wall. He is thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out a disaster and hop over the wall." As the firing squad is reassembled and the rifles raised in his direction, he smirks and yells, "Fire!"

Ralph arrived at his Internal Revenue Service audit accompanied by another man. The IRS guy assumed the other man was Ralph's attorney.   Going over his records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it appears that you live at a much higher level than your reported employment income. How do you explain that?"   Ralph replied, "I love to gamble and I usually win."  The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look.   "I can prove it," said Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"   The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."   Ralph said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."   The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!"   Ralph removed his glass eye and bit it.   The official's jaw dropped. Ralph said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."  The official could tell Ralph wasn't blind, so he took the bet.  Ralph then removed his dentures and bit his good eye.  The stunned official was now three grand in the hole!   "Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asked. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on your desk and pee into that wastebasket by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere in between."   The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way this guy could manage that stunt, so he agreed again!  Ralph climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket completely, and pretty much peed all over the desk.  The official grinned.  He had just turned a huge loss into a huge win!   But then he noticed that Ralph's friend looked ashen and was visibly shaking. "Are you okay?" he asked.  The man replied, "Not really.  Before we arrived, Ralph bet me twenty thousand dollars he'd pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

The Texas preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in his congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.  This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot   tolerate.  I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved.  The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."  Again all was quiet.  Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice   quivered as she spoke,  "Reverend there has been a terrible  misunderstanding.  I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."   The preacher fainted.

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.  Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."   "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"  "Really? Great! Show me!"  So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom,  he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.  "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company,  and we will not have our employee womanizing all over the country!"  "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"  "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed.  "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.  After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.  "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."  "Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."  As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."  "Not a problem," says Tom,  "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More'n likely gonna be some fightin' too."  "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."  "More'n likely be some wild sex, too," "Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea.  "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.  By the way, what should I wear?"  "Don't much matter ... Just gonna be the two of us."

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace the retiring country doctor.  The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.  At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."  The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit.  Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"  As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman.  How did you arrive at your diagnosis so quickly?"  "I didn't have to.  You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in here?  When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen banana peels in the trash.  That was what probably was making her sick."  "Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty clever.  I think I'll try that at the next house."  Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.  She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did.  "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."  You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her.  "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."  As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"  "Well, just as you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I saw the preacher under the bed."

A Catholic priest has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.  He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."  The Priest is pleased with the response.  They walk a little farther and He points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."  The Priest is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.  The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."  The chief looks at! the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both.  The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?  The chief replied, "My bike."

Ole was working at the fish plant up nort in Dulut when he accidently cut off all ten of his fingers.  He went to the emergency room in the Clinic and when he got there the Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said,  "Let's have da fingers and I'll see what I can do.  Ole said, "I haven't got da fingers."  "What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers?" he said.   "Lord - it's 2005!  We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new!  Why didn't you bring da fingers?"  "How was I suppose to pick dem up?

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.  After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.  They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.  When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk  hands them a bill for $350.  The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.  He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.  When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.  The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains.  "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.  He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.  "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.  "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.  Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.  No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"  The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.  He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.  The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.  "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $50."  That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife."  But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.  "Well, too bad," the man replies................"She was here, and you could have!

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.  After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away."  The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.   "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything.  He might just be in a coma or something."  The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.  As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.  The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a cat.  The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.  The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."  Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.  The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"  The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00.

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners  on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How  much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough  money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy. After a  moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for  it?" The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal." The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start." The little  boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." The  preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I  have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss." The little boy  looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come  back to ya!"

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.  He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.  He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.  "Look!" she said.  "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less.  And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."   For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.  Funeral services are pending.

A furniture dealer from Alabama decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find.  After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capitol), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Alabama.  To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying  his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house . Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which the did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down.  He tried to speak to her in English, but she didn't speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. So, they left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, and after he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.  She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.  Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business....Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"  The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"  Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."  "Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."  The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.  "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"  The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea"  And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what in the hell makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"

A man was called in for an audit by the IRS.  So, he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.  "Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes.  Let them think you are a pauper,"  the accountant replied.  He then asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice:  "Don't let them intimidate you.  Wear your best suit and an expensive tie."  Confused, the man went to his Rabbi who would surely know the correct answer.  He told him of the conflicting advice he had received, and asked what he should do.  " Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi.  "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.  Her mother advised, "Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks."   But when the woman asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice:  "Wear your sexiest negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel."  The man did not understand.  "But, Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"  "It doesn't matter what you wear," replied the Rabbi, "You're going to get screwed."

A couple of old guys were golfing one day, when one of the men said that he was going to go to Dr. Bender for a new set of dentures in the morning.  His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the same dentist a few years before.  "Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked.  "Did he do a good job?"  The second gent replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot.  The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the testicles."  The first old guy was confused and asked, "What does that have to do with your dentures?"  The second man answered, "That was the first time in two years that my teeth didn't hurt."

Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her  husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join  him in death. Thinking it would be best to get it over with  quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the  decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly  broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she  called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact  location." Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your  heart is just below your left breast.  Why do you ask?" She  hung up without answering.  Later that night, Mildred was  admitted to the hospital with a gunshot  wound to her knee.

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence." Continuing, he said "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman. "What a coincidence." says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer.  For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched roosters," he replied. "What a coincidence," she said.

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it-- I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!  The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness--this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts."

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"  No one answered until little Mary stood up angrily and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"  With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.  Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"  Little Mary's mouth fell open, then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"  The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"  Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."  Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you young lady, I have three things to say.  One, you have a dirty mind, two, you didn't read your homework and three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.  The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.  "What does it look like?" she finally asked.  The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."  The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.  "Here it is," she said.  The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

A good looking biker stops by the Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.  On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. Next, he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem, how to carry all of his purchases home. The owner said, "Put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand." "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went.  But in the parking lot, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"  The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane.  Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.  We'll be there in no time."  The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"  The biker said, "Holy smokes, Lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"  The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

Ole was pacing the expectant fathers' waiting room waiting for news on Lena and the baby. The doc came out and told Ole he had a son and all was well; he could see his son through the nursery window.  Ole went to the window and asked to see the Thompson baby. The nurse looked surprised and asked if he was sure he wanted to see the baby before seeing Lena.  "Someting wrong wit the baby?" he asked.  "No, the baby is fine."  "Vel bring him over so I can see him."  The nurse did so and lo and behold she held up the cutest little black baby you ever saw.  Upon seeing him, Ole got a big grin on his face and said, "Oh, dat Lena, she burns everyting!"

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.  While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He has probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous if he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey, I love you."  To which the wife responded, "he wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.  Be strong, honey, I love you too." Ole lived across the river from Clarence, who he didn't like at all.  They all the time were yelling across the river at each other. Ole would yell to Clarence, "If I had a vay to cross dis river, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah sure yabetcha by golly!"  This went on for years. Finally the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses.  Ole's wife, Lena, says, "Now is your chance, Ole, vhy don't you go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you said you voud?"  Ole says, "OK, by yiminy I tink I vill do yust dat".  Ole started for the bridge but he sees a sign on the bridge an he stops to read it, then he turns around and comes back home.  Lena asked, "Vhy did you come back?" Ole said, "Lena, I tink I change my mind 'bout beatin'up dat Clarence, you know, dey put a sign on da bridge dat says "Clarence is 13 ft. 6 in." You know, he don't look near  dat big vhen I yell at him from across da river"

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20, for their first lovemaking encounter.  In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.  This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.  Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state : Over the next few minutes, he explained that his company had gone through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go - It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another positionion that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.  Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.  then, she showed him stock certificates issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were the largest stockholders in the bank.  She explained that for 30 years, she had charged him for sex and these holdings were the results of her savings and investments.  Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

Patrick O'Leary showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.  O'Leary had never been seen in church in his adult life.  After Mass, the priest caught O'Leary and said "Mr. O'Leary, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass.  What made you come?"  O'Leary said, "I've got to be honest with you, Father.  A while back, I misplaced me cap.  I really, really loved that cap.  I knew that Donald Shaunessy had one just like mine, and I knew that Shaunessy came to church every Sunday.  I also knew that Shaunessy had to take off his cap during Mass, and I figured he would leave it in the back of the church.  So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal Shaunessy's cap."  The priest said, "Well, Mr. O'Leary, I notice that you didn't steal Mr. Shaunessy's cap.  What changed your mind?"  O'Leary said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the ten commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal Shaunessy's cap."  The priest gave O'Leary a big smile and said, "Ah, after I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal," you decided you would rather do without your cap than burn in Hell, right?"  O'Leary shook his head and said, "No, Father.  After you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me cap."

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.  It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my  husband's advice.  "What do you think?"  I asked.  "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"  "Better get a bikini," he replied.  "You'd never get it all in one."

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.  Finally his curiousity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"  The young woman looks him over and replies,  "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

The investigation of Martha Stewart continues.  Her recipe for chicken casserole is quitte efficient.  First you boil the chicken in water.  And then you dump the stock.

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.  The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."  The old man says, without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said,  "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."  "Me neither doc, but she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."  "That's very fair, you honor," the husband said.  "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

A little boy went up to his father and asked:  "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"  The father replied, "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine."

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.  Bill said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"  Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.  Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.  The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"  "What are you doing?"  "Well, I'm reading a magazine, sir "Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"  The young man shrugs: "I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater, Sir."  Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lovers' lane, and nothing is happening!  "What's your age, young man?"  "I'm 25, Sir."  "And her ... what's her age?"  The young man looks at his watch and replies:  "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting their adult kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."  How much?" asked Grandpa.  $10.00 a pill answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa,"I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill."  The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow.  He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."  I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting.  For $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair." The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.  The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life." The old lady still says nothing but after a couple of minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up. "So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.  "Get serious", she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair"

Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days, and then the pioneers saw an old Norwegian sitting beneath a tree. "Is there some place ahead where we can get food? Vell, I tink so" the old man said" but I wouldn't go up dat hill and down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree"  "A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.  "Yah, a bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me, I vouldn't go dere"  The leader goes back and tells his people what the Norwegian said, that they should not go there. The pioneers said,"Oh you know those Norwegian people. They lie just for a joke" So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to the old Norwegian. Near dead, the man shouts. "You fool! Why did you ever mention the bacon tree. The Indians killed everyone but me. We followed your route and there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians" The old Norwegian man holds up his hand and says "Vait a minute" He quickly picks up an English Norwegian dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Oof-da, I made such a big mistake! It vuzn't a bacon tree, it vus a ham bush"

A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.  While they were there the mother-in-law passed away.  The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000.00, or you can bury her here in the Holdy Land for $150.00."  The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.  The undertaker asked, "why would you spend $5,000.00 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?"  The man replied, "a man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.  I just can't take that chance."

A Mexican family crosses the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no work.  His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot  of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray:  "Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..."  Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the Black man coming over the top of the hill, who is struggling with a broken grocery sack and who loses a wheel of cheese.  When the Mexican man opens his eyes, the large wheel of cheddar cheese from the Black man's grocery bag rolls down the hill and lands at the Mexican's feet!  "Oh, thank you, Jesus, thank you!" he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home.  Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos.  "But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?," she inquires.  "No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message... As I ran home, I kept hearing a voice yelling, "THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!"

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.  The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"  "Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."  "That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."  Services will be held at 2:30pm Saturday at Green Roots Mortuary.

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit.  He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes ma'am.  Ya see, I'm from Texas, and I want to buy a complete city outfit."  Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"  "Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"  "Yes sir. What size?"  "Size 53 tall, ma'am."  "Wow, that's really big."  "Yes ma'am.  They really grow them big in Texas."  "What's next?" she asked.  He replied, "How about some shoes?"  "What size?"  "Size 15 double E."  "Wow, that's really big!"  "Yes ma'am.  They really grow them big in Texas."  "What's next?"  "Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."  "Yes sir What size?"  "Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied.  "Wow, that's really big!"  Yes ma'am.  They really grow them big in Texas."  As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill and as the Texan counted out his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"  "Yes ma'am, I already know what it is.  And the answer is four inches."  Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"  Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied . . "From the floor ma'am................From the floor."

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide.  The first old guy says, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."  The second old guy says, "That's OK. What a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't seem to find her and I'm getting a little worried."   The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her, what does she look like?"  The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts.  What does your wife look like?"  The first old guy says, "Never mind, let's look for yours.

Norman and his wife live in Cleveland.  One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.  A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today, you must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today, you must park..........." then the power goes out, and Norman's wife is very upset.  With a worried look on her face she says, "honey, I don't know what to do.  Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"  With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to a blonde exhibit, Norman says, Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.  A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir.  Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.  He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."  She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.  "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.  She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who passed wind. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $31.00 please."  The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $31.00?"  He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, and the Duck Call is $11.00.

A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a shipwreck.  They found themselves stranded on a deserted island.  After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.  One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red, with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle;  a perfect night for romance.  As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck.  Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it, but the dog got jealous and began growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep.  After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.  A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.  The only survivor, was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen.  She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, but they slowly nursed her back to health.  When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.  It was another beautiful evening;  red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze-perfect for a night of romance.  Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings"again.  He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...  "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

True bravery is arriving home stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys, then.....being assaulted with a broom by your wife, and still having the guts to ask:"Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"

An older gentleman was somewhat lonely and decided he needed a pet to keep him company.  So off to the pet shop he went.  He searched and searched.  Nothing seemed to catch his interest, except this ugly frog.  As he walked by the jar the frog was in, he looked at the frog, and it winked at him.  Then the gentleman thought he heard the frog whisper, "I'M LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY."   The old guy figured, "What the heck." He bought the frog and put it in the car.  Driving down the road the frog whispered to him, "KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY." So the old guy figured, "What the heck", and kissed the frog.  Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy woman in a mini-skirt.  The woman smiled really big at the old man and then kissed him back, hard on the lips . . and guess what the old guy turned into?   He turned into the first motel he could find.  HE'S OLD, NOT DEAD!!!!

A Woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:  A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon.  As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.   While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."  The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.   She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.   Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"  The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly."

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary.  Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town.  On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"   The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."  Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok."   So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking.  Then he say, "Thank God, thank God, " and the horse starts trotting.   Feeling really brave, the man say, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off.  Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!" Finally he remembers, "Amen!"  The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff.   The man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God!"

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father,  who was a Minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His  father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring  your grades up, study the Bible a little, get your hair cut and then we'll  talk about it."  After about a month, the boy came back and again asked  his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the  father's study where the father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you.  You  have brought your grades up, you've studied the Bible diligently, but you  didn't get your hair cut." The young man waited a moment and then  replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had  long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long  hair." The Minister said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they  walked."

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "No." The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "No, now go play." The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise." So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother no and I'm telling you no." The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise."  The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"  The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney world!"

A rancher was working his cattle one day when he heard faint music coming from nearby.  After hunting about for a time, he discovered the sound was loudest near one particular calf, and was even louder near the calf's tail.  Putting his head close to the calf's hind end, he heard the Boomer Sooner fight song.  Amazed, he put the calf in the truck and drove the animal to his Vet's office.  When the vet asked him what was going on, the rancher told him.  The vet went around behind the calf and gave a listen. He agreed he heard the Boomer Sooner fight song but didn't seem particularly excited.  "Man, how can you stand there and not be amazed?" the rancher asked.  The vet, a third generation Nebraska graduate, said, "Bud, I'm a Husker Fan, and I've been listening to asses sing that song all of my life."

Today in the markets, helium was up; feathers were down.  Paper was stationary.  Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.  Mining equipment hit rock bottom.  The market for raisins dried up.  Coca-Cola fizzled.  Balloon prices were inflated.  And Scott tissue reached a new bottom.

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.  Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below. Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.  The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at! her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting.  Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills. "What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied.  "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.  A gentleman approached her and said:  "Pardon me, madam.  I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"  "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."  "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.  The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old.  I just bought this hat yesterday"

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.  "Grandson, I wanna you lisina to me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."  "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead."   "You lisina to me. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino.  Somma day you gonn coma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.  "Whatta you gonna do then? "Pointa to your watch and say, TIMES UP ?"

A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!"  The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.  The bartender says, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."  The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have."  The bartender says "Oh my God!  What is it?  What do you have?"  "I have................ only fifty cents!"

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air.  She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde (??), gave me a strange look and said. "Why don't you just put it in park?"

A little old man shuffled...... slooooowly into an ice cream parlor, pulled himself slooooooowly, painfully up onto a stool.  After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.  The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?  "No," he replied, "Arthritis".

A white haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady on his side. "I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said.  The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000. "I don't think you understand .. I want something very unique," he said.  At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe.  "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000."  The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it. "How are you paying?"  "I'll pay by check, but of course the bank would want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, then I'll fetch the ring on Monday."  Monday morning a very pissed off jeweler phones the man. "You bastard, you lied, there's no money in that account."  "I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had!"

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.  The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.  For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."  The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.  When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"  "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."  "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"  "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.  Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.  His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.  We observe all union rules."  The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"  The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."  "That's more like it!" the union man said as he handed the Madam $100, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.  "I'd like her," he said.  I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.  Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and she's next.

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.  At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying,  "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."  "Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.  "Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"  After a moment of silence, he farted.

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Lexus.  The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.  Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.  His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.  After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."  "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.  The cop replied, "My God, don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"  "My God!" screamed the lawyer.   "WHERE'S MY ROLEX?"

A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.  They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, and while counting his $80.00, he confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have a 24-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.   What do you think about that?"  The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season.  One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun.  When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream.  He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang'  and the beaver fell dead.  What do you think of that?"  The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."   The doctor replied, "My point exactly!"

A woman is just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rings. Her husband, heading to the shower himself, asks her to see who's at the door, so she wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.  When she opens the door, there stands her next-door neighbor, Rob.  Before she can say a word, Rob says, "I'll give you $500 to drop that towel you have on."  After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel.   He looks for a few seconds, hands her $500 and leaves with a big smile on his face.  Excited about her earnings, the woman puts the towel back on and runs upstairs.  Her husband yells out from the shower, "Who was that?"   "It was Rob from next door," she replies. "Great," the husband says. "Did he bring over the $500 dollars he owes me?